Family is the basic unit of the society and is essentially comprised of a man and a woman entering into a partnership for life with a sexual relationship and the intention of having children.
Society desires that this partnership should be on legal. While healthy sexual activity is the norm and a necessity in married family life, premarital sexual activity is not accepted and very much discouraged and disapproved within an affair in our society.
Although the couple who enter in to an affair often have marriage and family as the final goal, at this point in time, relationship needs to be to be based on love and emotional happiness and not on a sexual basis.
Society rejects premarital sex because of the chance that the female partner maybe impregnated. This could be disastrous because the male partner is not bound by a legal responsibility to take care of the female or the child. Many girls, some school children, have gone through such painful experiences that have lead to an unfortunate future.
This doesn’t mean that you have to abstain for all sexual activity if you are I a relationship. There are many other physical expression of love such as holding hands or kissing, which all acceptable within a relationship as long as it is understood by both partners that this is not a stepping stone to penetrative sex.

As responsible young person, it is important that you learn to define your personal boundaries and the limits of your physical activities when you are in an affair with someone else. How much time would you sacrifice from your studies? Where and when would you travel with your partner? And most importantly, how far will you go with them physically and sexually?
Particularly for girls, it is important to be strong and empowered enough to say NO when the partner pressures or justifies an activity that is not accepted by social norms. These activities can be potentially harmful to you. The ultimate test of a relationship is based on how much you respect each other and your personal boundaries.

The technical definition of relationship violence is “a pattern of controlling behaviour that someone uses against his/her girlfriend or boyfriend respectively” This can happen on many levels - physical, emotional or sexual.

Relationship violence also often comes with a combination of all these elements.Sexual abuse within a relationship can be recognized when unwanted kissing or touching, forcing the partner to go further than she or he wants to, or forcing them to have sex. An affair should be a happy and a beautiful experience for the young couple and violence in any form should never happen. Unfortunately it does happen quite often in Sri Lanka and is rather common.

Early Signs of Relationship Violence:

The problem in relationships with violence is that, one partner (often the male) uses violence as a way of communicating dominance and control over the other in order to solve problems which are common to most relationships. This tendency can be recognized early in a relationship. If you recently began a romantic relationship with someone, take note of their behaviour. If they -
•    act jealous and accuse you of being distrustful.
•    constantly check up on you by calling or texting all the time (sometimes hourly)
•    calls you names and put you down (even in front  of others)
•    insist on deciding on what you can and should wear
•    Threaten to harm themselves if the relationship ends.
•    have bouts of anger, abuse and social condemnation in private or public
•    make  frequent and false accusations, blaming you If any or a combination of elements begin to occur early in the relationship, take these as signs of them going too far which could lead to bigger problems later in the relationship.

Dealing With Unhealthy Relationships:

If the list of behaviour mentioned above sounds very much like the relationship you are in, you should this is very unhealthy. Healthy relationships are based on mutual understanding, respect for each other, accommodating each other and compromise. These types of values and life skills are essential to you, not only as an adult but also as an adolescent and youth. They are the basis upon which we learn to have any type of relationship with others.
Obviously, where there is violence or abuse in a relationship these values and skills are at a minimum. This is why it is important to practice these skills everyday as a couple. And you are not alone – should you need help in dealing with these values, many professional counsellors are at hand to assist you.
In some extreme cases, violent behaviour in a relationship could be a sign of a mental disorder, and seeking the help of a counsellor will help solve the issue. In some cases you may even be referred to a psychiatrist by your counsellor – but don’t let this frighten you – at the end of the day it can help you deal with others better and form stronger relationships in the long run.
If you are the person being abused in the relationship and decide to end it, it is still be advisable to seek the guidance of a counsellor so that the end of the relationship won’t aggravate your partner even more.

It is quite often the case that we know a friend who is in a bad relationship. But how do you know if they are being abused? While your friend may not come out and tell you they are being abused, you should learn to look for the little signs that might alert you to the abuse. In some cases your friend might just come out and tell you about it too.
It’s completely natural for you to feel sorry for your friend who is a victim in this situation. And you might find yourself wanting to help. But you need to know how to get your friend the right help in a way that no one gets hurt.

Here are some suggeestion action to take:

• Express your concern about her/his  safety to the victim.
• Acknowledge and explain that the abuse is not her fault.
• Emotionally support her/him.
• Encourage the person to talk to others who could help.
• Encourage the person to seek professional help such as counseling.
• DO NOT confront the abuser, it could be dangerous to you or to your friend.
• Do not decide for the person but help her/him to make decisions acceptable to her/him.
• Your role is to help but not to “rescue”.

•    MYTH: A gift will make up for abuse
FACT: Abuse leaves a permanent scar

• MYTH : It is the victims’ fault
  FACT   : Violence is always abusers’ fault, because he/she is incapable of finding a non violent way of communicating (often over a simple problem).•    

MYTH: It is O.K. for a boy to hit a girl
FACT : It is not macho to hit a girl but is repulsive and primitive

MYTH: Boys have to be “in control”
FACT : True love does not work on control but on understanding, respect, kindness and accommodating each other’s wishes.

MYTH: If you love someone you should do everything he/she wants
FACT  : True love is when one respects the wishes, likes and dislikes and limits or boundaries set by her/him or the society and not embarrass or hurt her/him

While in many cases of sexual violence, the victim already knows the abuser, there are some situations in which you could be victimized by someone you don’t know. This can happen to anyone and it is good to be conscious of this possibility and ensure you safety, although the blame of such despicable acts should go entirely to the abuser.
Being aware of a situation will lessen your chances of falling victim, so always be alert and attentive to your surroundings and avoid dangerous situations.

BEING SAFE WHEN YOU’RE AWAY FROM HOME:

• Stay in a group as far as possible stay in a group. Isolation makes you more vulnerable to violent situations
• Always let your friends or parents know where you are going
• Carry your phone with you at all times and ensure the battery is charged. If you notice a suspicious person, call someone or pretend to be on the phone
• Do not help strangers who ask for directions or help. Walk away quickly.
• If you are stopped by a stranger keep your distance so that they cannot grab you
• If you feel you are being followed, walk to closest area where there are people
• If a vehicle stops close to you and calls you, NEVER get close. If you get dragged into the vehicle, you’ll be totally in their control
• If attempt is made to drag you in, resist as much as you can, and yell for help, bite their hands, hurt them in any way possible and RUN away
• If you are convinced that you are in danger, shout or yell for help. Don’t just scream.
• Don’t ever be ashamed to shout for help. You are not at fault and your life may depend on it

The internet is a great place to learn, communicate and has become an important component of our lives, for young and old and good and bad. However if one is not aware of the potential dangers  one can get  in to harm which may ruin young and precious lives.

Sexting

This means the use of communication technology such as SMS / Email to send or receive sexually explicit messages or photos. Someone may send a naked picture of himself/herself to another or pressurize and coerce someone (often a girl ) to send a naked picture of that person. Sexting may be the initial step to force/ coerce someone for further sexual abuse and considered as sexual abuse .If you are faced with in do not respond positively and indicate that it is unacceptable .Just keeping quiet may be interpreted as tolerance by the perpetrater.

Sexual  violence on social media

Any sexual act or unwanted sexual comments or advances against a person’s sexuality using coercion and perpetrated through internet based services  that allow users to participate  in online exchanges of information such as facebook,twitter,You Tube.

This may involve recording and /or distribution of a photos or videos of sexual act/assault through social media, cyber stalking luring and exploitation of girls. Most of these go unreported to authorities.

Avoiding Online Sexual violence:

• Choose usernames and email addresses carefully :They often give a clue to  the name and thus the fact that you are a male or female.
• Keep personal information PRIVATE. Do not make your personal blog open to public.
• Be careful with your pictures sensitive or not.
• Be careful who you let view you through a webcam, and who you view through a web cam. Although you expose yourself to the web cam in private the pictures that are collected and saved at the other end may go viral in the internet!
• Do NOT respond to indecent chats and block such messages from strangers.
• Take your time and be very careful with somebody you have “met” on line, if they want to talk on the phone or meet in person. Always talk with a person who you trust parent or a friend. Never meet “Net friends” alone.
• Cyber sexual abuse can be reported to the Police and legal action taken.